Told my dad I had sex with a girl who had HIV. He asked if I was positive.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Love when skinny people complain that they feel fat. I just shrug & tell them to eat less. Go fish for compliments somewhere else, bitch.

My friend Jerry was going to be a pilot… but that career never took off.

Band:Make some noise! Crowd:WOOO! Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?! B:I cant hear u! C:WOOO! M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!

How do you call an intelligent blonde? A Labrador.

How many lawyer jokes are there? 3, and the rest are true stories.

My grandpa always said, it’s good to meet a girl in the park… But it’s better to park your meat in a girl.

me: *rubs lamp* genie: I will grant you three wishes me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

What’s Grey and Comes in Quarts? An Elephant.