I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It’s a really obscure number. You’ve probably never heard of it.

Why Wasn’t Jesus born in Italy? They couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

i was dating a hot air balloonist at least she let me down gently

How do you find Will Smith when he’s lost in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

“FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE”: BECAUSE YELLING, “YOU SHOULD REALLY SIGNAL BEFORE YOU CHANGE LANES” IS A TAD VERBOSE

I know 3 jokes about cheese… But none of them are as gouda ‘dis one.

Have you ever noticed the lack of trigger discipline cops have in movies? It’s so realistic.

Sometimes I think to myself… and then other times I don’t

How much is an M&M? 50 cents. That’s Ludicris!