The men who sarcastically ask women if they’re on their period are completely ruining it for the rest of us who are genuinely curious.

How do you make a Chevy Malibu float? Pour a glass of soda and add two scoops of Chevy Malibu

Steph Curry did what Lebron couldn’t do Win a championship in Cleveland

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

I thought I spotted superman twice yesterday. Turns out it was just a bird and a plane. -Dwight York

It blows my mind that people walk around acting like Steve Harvey won’t jump out from behind a bush at any moment & murder them.

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito? Nothing. You can’t cross a scaler and a vector

What was the last food delivered to the Twin Towers? Pizza. Someone ordered two large planes.

On what kind of ships do students study? Scholarships.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription. Well he called it a receipt…whatever.