When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions. Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

Don’t believe that bullshit. Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad? Because America is never wrong.

[sitting in doctor’s office] It’s bad news. You have a rare case of contagious memory loss. “What do you mean?” I can’t remember.

How do you spot a sumo at a feminist rally? Look for the one with shaved legs….

I googled ‘missing medieval servant boy’ 404 Paige not found

these tweets brought to you by me waiting to hear back from my weed guy

It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle. He just didn’t have the balls to do it

What did Snoop say Dr. Dre while binge watching their favorite TV show? Are you ready for the next episode?