Where do bad pigs go? They get sent to the pen.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine WOLVERINE: No, father WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad

I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walks into a bar… He orders a drink

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what? Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

Jokes What do you get when you cross a chicken and a bed

The price of oil has dropped so far that… Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

I plan to forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being stupid and forget you ever existed.

Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.