A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

I lost out at the S&M; Awards, but it was an honor just to be dominated.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive… I’ll be a millionaire!

What goes: Click. “Did I get it?” Click. “Did I get it?” Stevie Wonder solving a Rubik’s Cube.

Dad: I had a son once Stranger: what happened to him? D: he touched the thermostat Kid: dad, I’m like right here D: you hear something?

Why was the Winemaker arrested Because he was a serial grapist!

“Going bald? Shave your head and grow a goatee! People will think you’re tough, not bald!” – stupid assholes

Why don’t Hindu rappers have battle raps? Because they got no beef.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING! …..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Why is a man’s pee yellow, and his sperm white? So he can tell if he’s coming or going.