What’s brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with “C” and ends with “T”, and has a “U” and an “N” in it? A coconut.

[pirate ship] Pirate: Walk the plank Me: *struts down like nobody’s business* Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

Two guys who vape walk into a bar I only know because they’re naked on the bar blowing their vapes up each others’ assholes right now.

Every time I think I’ve come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Hey honey, I bought some steaks. I need you to stand on this box next to me while I eat them. Because it says right here, “Best if consumed by date on package.”

What did the guy with 5 penises say? “These pants fit like a glove”

she was only a fishmongers daughter… but she could lay it on the slab and say fillet.

birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said ” One would’ve done”

Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society