i feel like a hundred bucks! *my soul erupts with the strength of 100 wild male deers*

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

Me: It’s not illegal to be rude to cops. Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect? Me: That’s why we don’t make bears cops.

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us. [Watches 1 minute of Hannity] We attack the humans at dawn.

“Mom?” “Yes?” “Are we having seafood for dinner?” “No, why?” “I heard Dad on the phone.” “And?” “He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

Katie Price has called her baby Bunny. Nice bit of meat to go with the vegetable that she already has.

[God & his assistant making giraffes] ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k? *God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? pumpkin pi

Girl: “Hey, whats up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old *clicks alarm, clicks alarm* *silence* Am I even in the right parking lot?