I like my women like I like my coffee, Quiet.

Your beer is like having sex in a canoe and living on a pacific island surrounded by rising sealevels… It`s too fucking close to water!

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election! As a Clinton voter I’m not happy that he won, just happy that I’m not Mexican

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Taste…

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich Me: You too! Subway Guy: Me: Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

[Clean] You can tell that someone is not from an English speaking country if… …if their phone’s personal dictionary is full of people’s names.

I hope Confucius type jokes are alright. Chinese mating robots, make many chinks.

I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.