Why was the gunman on a diet? Because he was still at large.

My idea of Hell would be Carrot Top and Shaun White taking turns sneezing in my face.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”. – Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee! Haha jk, we can talk. How many of the commemorative state quarters have you collected? I have 40.

*baby takes first step* wow took you long enough

Say what you will about censorship on Reddit [removed]

Teacher: What are the Great Plains? Pupil: 747 Concorde and F-16!

Hungary conquered Turkey… They had to change their name to Full.