What do you call the security guards outside a Samsung factory? Guardians of the Galaxy

My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, “Heating your dinner” wasn’t a good answer.

“Wouldn’t it suck to be homeless? Come try it.” — campgrounds

Nothing says “I’m an American” more than ordering a pizza online and tweeting about it and then hating soccer.

What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove

Oscar Pistorius misunderstood his girlfriend… when she said: “for Valentines day, can you take me out?”

Autocorrect changed “killing spree” to “killing soiree” so bring your finest evening attire because murder can be classy.

I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet. Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.