Why don’t anteaters get sick? Because they’re full of anty-bodies !

How many toes does Trump have on the outside of his body? 5. The rest are constantly in his mouth.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect.

What is Donald Trump telling Independents? Orange is the new black.

My 5 year old just ended a phone call with “I gotta jump, Daddy. I’m out.” And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.

Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.

An officer pulled me over for driving erratically, but it was because some bees had gotten into my car. He must have thought I was buzzed.