[1st Date] (Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit) Me: This is good [2nd Date] [3rd Date] [4th Date] [5th Date] Her: Stop

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

A joke I’ve been working on. So a guy dies in a car wreck. He wakes up waiting in a line labeled automotive accidents. The guy in front of him and says ” You from South Carolina too?”

How do you defeat your enemies? Chop off their feet.

I became a proud dad today My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.

What do you call a wine loving horse? Chardon-neigh.

What are Mario’s pants made of? Denim denim denim.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

‘LSD makes users lose weight’ That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.

Girl at store thought CNN’s Situation Room starred The Situation. No. Wolf Blitzer joins the cast of #jerseyshore next season.