I hate how my job always expects me to show up.

What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite sex position? FUCKING RAAAWWW!!!

I said to the wife, “I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today… …but when I looked again it said ‘Thick Cut’ “.

Ugh I hate fake fans. Everybody here is standing up & singing along to his big hit, but probably cant name 3 other Francis Scott Key songs.

“Dad why was I called Holly?” cos u were born at a special time of year “And me dad?” yes Summer and u too “And me too dad?” yes Easter-Egg

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

What Did Cinderella Say When She Got To The Ball? Cough, gag, choke, etc…

What do Waitresses and Chemists have in common? They both need to check the table periodically…

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here? Clerk: Trapper Keeper? Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

(Animal school) Lion: That’s my desk Wildebeast: Sorry, I’m gnu -5 minutes later Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!