Did you know that Hitler invested in Minute Maid before he died? He heard they were 100% concentrated juice.

Why don’t Pentacostals have sex standing up? It might lead to dancing.

Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?

What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs? Names. Get it? Sorry, I just heard this joke somewhere, I’m not trying to offend anyone, it’s just a joke.

What does a psychologist wear to bed? A Freudian slip.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: … Me: … Wife: No. No, I don’t.

What do you call a vegetarian fart? Kale force wind!

How are one out of three American Boats born? By Sea-Section.

I think it’s just about time to sit my 9yr old down and give her the “Your mom is a pyscho and you’re probably gonna end up one too” speech.

What’s the most popular pickup line at a gay bar? “Hey, can I push your stool in?”