Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.

After realizing that I was living a boring, directionless, and empty life, I went to South Korea.. to go Seoul searching.

*gets into trouble* Trouble: Wrong hole.

I’ve been reading the thesaurus a lot lately… because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

Who do they bring in if the stand up comedian dies during the show? A stand in comedian

Why don’t Italians do bondage? Because they can’t say the safeword while they’re wearing handcuffs.

If there’s a pedicure, why are there still pedophiles?

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

What’s the worlds longest sentence? I do.

Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t? Either way, you’re wrong.