What is the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster who got breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

The phrase “Silence is golden” doesn’t make any sense because duct tape is silver.

Texts: Cool! What does it say? Emails: Oh God… what do they want? Phone call: I basically assume someone has died.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

What do you mean you’re not going to spank me? I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?

What did the doctor say When a fruit walked into his office that was feeling like a vegetable? …what’s tomato with you?!

Why did the frog jump under the lawn mower? He wanted to Kermit suicide.

When a relationship becomes too much work can you outsource the work to China?

Why are successful people such assholes? They get shit done.

In Italy, they call me Olive Oil Its because im extra virgin. 🙁