I wasn’t going to have a cardiac transplant But then I had a change of heart

Where does the general keep his armies? Up his sleevies.

Cocaine so white it looks around the room before saying “nigga”

I wrote a college paper about government agencies slowly encroaching on internet privacy. It’s called “NSA: An Essay.”

I’m having a very hard time believing that money can’t buy me happiness. Especially since I’m constantly smiling when I have it.

When the blonde found out her toaster wasn’t water proof, she was shocked. A man walked into a therapist office wearing nothing but shrink wrap. The therapist said, “I can clearly see you’re nuts”

As a Florida resident… at least I’ll have medical marijuana to treat the fucking cancer this election has given me. I won’t even need a lighter, seeing as the country is already on fire.

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar? Because it’s completely ok to finger A minor

I really admire what Caitlyn Jenner did Took some balls

PC is getting way out of hand. You can’t even say black paint anymore. Instead it’s gotta be “Jamal, please paint.”