My job keeps asking me to sign up for a marathon. I keep telling them I can’t. I’m out of shape, I have weak knees, and 401k is a long way to run.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife* CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card* B: SHIT ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

I’ve been going to the gym for five years now and I still don’t have abs. It sucks being the cleaner.

El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive. I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.

GAME SHOW IDEA: Man hands wife his phone. If he can let her look at it for 60 secs without looking uncomfortable, he wins a billion dollars.

Movie critics have said some negative things about the new movie Jobs… I guess Ashton Kutcher didn’t do a good Jobs.

*waits for you to fall asleep* *rolls out from under your bed* *moisturizes your knees and elbows*

A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.