GOD: Moses!! I COMMAND YOU TOcan you take your shoes off MOSES: What? Why G: I’m trying to keep the place nice, OK? M: It’s a mountain

if ur sad abowt not havin an valentien on valentienz day remembr dat sum ppl do’nt hav an patrik on st patriks day

As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”

Is that a banana in your pocket or have you been lying about your name being Amy?

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house? It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

Hey guy’s I’m the titanic I would like to nominate all of my passengers and crew to do the ALS ice bucket challenge, you have 24 hours!

The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents

My phone bill was huge this month. A couple of weeks ago I rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her.

I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it

I hate people who don’t finish