What would Captain America be called if he fought in Vietnam? You weren’t there man

Using a butter knife on steak… it just doesn’t cut it.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s fuckin’ worth it. A friend’s divorce is being finalized today and he often says this.

How did you quit smoking? Decided to smoke only after sex

A redneck looks at a Mexican right in the eye and says, “how does it feel to marry my ex wife and have my sloppy seconds?” “not bad,” replies Juan,”after 2.5 inches deep she felt brand new”

What a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

[crime scene] *detective snaps pics of murder victim* Corpse: delete it

what’s the difference between two dicks and a joke you don’t look like you could take a joke

I like NPR because you always know how much saliva is inside every announcer’s mouth at all times.

Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago…Still no abs.