What’s a dogs favorite part of a tree? Stick? BARK!

I bet most of business school is spent teaching students how to confidently swivel in big leather chairs.

Books keep falling on my head…. I’ve only got myshelf to blame

almost called my teacher “mom,” but I caught myself after “mo” and added an “n.” I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year.

All cicadas must be female because they never shut the fuck up.

My 4 year old niece’s unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

It’s a good thing Maradona isn’t still playing. Who knows what he’d do when the ref sprays that white line on the pitch.

Is everything expensive or I’m just poor?

If there’s one thing I really can’t stand when I’m drunk, it’s up.

Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a flask of whiskey, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.