I got a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer. Credit to Steven Wright.

I took a girl with microcephaly out on a date… I was hoping to get a little head.

If Trump becomes president, it won’t be called the White House anymore He’ll rename it the Exclusively White House

Are you half decapitated? Because this joke is poorly executed.

[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct [later at home] I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken

What do you need to split a photon? A lightsabre

Can you smell mothballs? I can’t. I can never get their legs far enough apart.

Why do crippled kids get picked on so much? Because they can’t stand up for themselves.

Hello, Mr. Bond. *shuffles UNO cards* I’ve been expecting you. *sinks into bean bag chair*

Why did the cowboy’s car stop? It had Injun (engine) trouble.