Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.

How do you spot the vegan at a party? They’ll tell you.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

What does dog poo and women have in common ? The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

I recently asked a serial-killer/serial-rapist/psychopath what she’s doing. She replied, “Good.”

Whenever It Rains, My Wife Just Stands At The Window Looking Kind Of Sad Maybe I Should Let Her In

Confucius say, piano falls down mineshaft… Get tone of A Flat Miner.

What do you call a tree that you can fit in your hand? A PALM TREE!!!

Why was the Mexican bad at archery? He didn’t habanero

I don’t buy my fruit from Chris Brown… because it’s always bruised!