What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!

Why couldn’t prehistoric man send birthday cards? The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

What do you call a pig that took a plane? Swine flu!

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

A chemist is surprised by a pan of old-fashioned magnesium photo flash powder going off in front of his face. “MgO!” He shouts, temporarily blinded.

What does Sean Connery’s nemesis and the crater of a volcano have in common? They’re both ash-holes.

Here’s $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, “I’m a nudist.” I haven’t worn it yet.

Where did the cantaloupe take his vacation? John Cougar’s Melon Camp