I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

What type of computer is unusually large? A Dell

What do you call a handjob in chemistry? Strokeiometry

What is grosser that gross? Ten naked men running around in a circle and the first one stops.

What did the closed can say to the half opened can? YOU’RE BEING UNCANNY!

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

Life tip: do stuff even though it’s hard and you suck at it

People tell me I’m too condescending. That means I talk down to them.

Worrying that ghosts watch you use the toilet is a pretty legitimate concern.