TIFU by using disinfectant wipes on my ass. Just joking!

You are no longer what you eat. You are now your browser history.

Why didn’t the bunny get the job as a marsupial? He wasn’t koalafied!

What’s a 69er got in common with the mafia ? One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!

I said to this bloke,”I’m going to be performing in the play *Hamlet* at a local theatre.” He said,”Are you being facetious?” I said,”No- Polonius.”

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.

A man was asked if he would rather have a new circular saw or a ladder… He chose the latter.

I like to lie down on the top of a hill, then tumble down to the bottom. That’s just the way I roll.