What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS? Well, one you have to shuck between fits…

What do you get when you mix a public speaker with someone who had tourettes? A clock! One provides the tic, the other provides the talk Credit to my Autistic Big Bro

I have an internet porn addiction. i really should beat it…

Whenever I show someone a picture on my phone, I assume ninja stance in case they start scrolling.

What do you call… …a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob

i put tinder on my kindle it burst into flames

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!

They should just rename double stuffed Oreos to regular Oreos. And rename regular Oreos to “Do it Yourself Double Oreo Kits”.

I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery