One agent stops by another agent’s table to tell him the big news: “Elvis just died!” The second agent says nothing then starts nodding. “Good career move.”

The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.

ISIS should hire me… I have a lot of experience when it comes to bombing, especially on final exams.

BREAKING NEWS: California’s drought is over Water supply flourishing from the tears of the racist, homophobic, and conservative southerners.

I’m gonna make like a standards censor and get the fuck outta here.

The Camping Chemist Why do chemists never do well on camping trips? Because they pack titrations.

Where does Dracula live? Monte Cristo

I used to think that “Lacrosse”… Was what the French called that thing that Jesus carried on his back.

I like my coffee like I like my slaves… …Free

Never eat spoiled meat Or spoiled eggs