I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

“well well well, if it isn’t the person who didn’t like my Instagram photo” is how i like to address pretty much everyone

Why did the ghost cross the road to get to the “Other Side”.

Cocaine is never a solution… Unless it’s dissolved in water.

I went on a boat trip around Paris, …it was in-seine!

Never under estimate the value of stretching…the truth.

How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE

*aggressively keeps eye contact with attractive people to let them know I mean business*

I like my women like I like my coffee I hate coffee.

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field? The pot was calling the cattle back