Game of Thrones is why I have trust issues.

“You know the newest cars drive themselves. And they found that by turning an equal amount left and right, you end up going straight.” “I swear, officer.”

if u see someone chewing gum in the morning, it’s 100% bc they didn’t brush their teeth. they’re nasty as hell n not worthy of ur respect

What type of fruit do twins prefer? Pears.

Q: What’s the difference between a moose and an ant? A: A moose has antlers, but an ant doesn’t have mooselers.

What language do British wrenches speech? Spanish!

How do you blindfold an Asian person? You put floss over his eyes.

When you hear “I do not love you but we can be friends” it’s like… your mother says “Your dog died but you can keep it”.

What did the unimpressed cheese say? Que… so?

Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool