The bad news: I shaved off my beard. The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

Why are lumberjacks bad at online video games? Because their connections are so weak they are always logging out.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? The P is silent.

Why is it fun to play with matches ? They’re lit.

If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….

Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.

My cousin was one of the most ambitious people I ever knew. Unfortunately, he struggled with depression. His life motto? “Gosh darn it, I’m going to kill myself, or die trying!”

A way you can tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist ask them to pronounce the word ‘unionized’

Eating spicy food is like expressing your love to someone who has no interest in you… you always get burned in the end.

You do realize makeup isn’t going to fix your stupidity?