Do you guys remember that party at Bill Cosby’s last weekend? Me neither.

I forgot, what is the name they call themselves, the group that wants to form a new country in what is now Syria and Irak? They are the Nemesis of the USA.

I’m holding a party for people who can never reach orgasm If you can’t come let me know.

I got a new job! I got a great new job working for The Mint. I’m gonna make so much money! Also steal a bunch.

How do you get a hippie chick pregnant? Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest

Just tried to read an article that wasn’t a list. Bunch of words, no GIFs, and it required me to think?? 0/10 would not recommend.

Wanna see a banana split? Wait until it turns black and tell it he’s the father.

I became a vegan yesterday… …but I tell you, it was a missed-steak.

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it. *a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Yes, I’ve been in love before. I’ve also had salmonella poisoning and you don’t see me running back for seconds.