You know something, Jon Snow Lord Commander: “So, Jon Snow, is it true you have lain with a Wildling girl?” Jon Snow: “Yes, sir, it is true. But I have no Ygrittes.”

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Met a hooker who said she’d do anything for $5 So I had her repost a joke for me that’s been posted 5,000 times in the past week

What do you call a record of everything that goes in and out of your ass? An ANALog.

Steve Irwin will always be in our hearts Just like the stingray needle in his.

This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.

Why doesn’t George R.R. Martin use a Twitter? Because he kills all 140 characters.

You know how they say “if you snooze you lose”… I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it.

How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?

Tequila everyday keeps sobriety away