*cop approaches me* “have u seen this girl?” *holds up photo* “yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED” *hi-5* “haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

What does a homeless man gets for Christmas? A cold.

Why would you never starve to death in a desert? Because you’d probably die of dehydration first. While a human can only go about a week without water, it can go up to three weeks without food.

Did you hear about the terrorist suicide bombers rave party? I heard they had a blast.

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night, I’m not letting you out!

No end in sight… I can’t see an end. I have no control. I don’t think there’s any escape. I don’t even have a home anymore. Time for a new keyboard.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open !

New Reality Show: America’s Next Top Proctologist. You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

Who’s gonna be the next queen of R&B? I don’t know yet but she’s gonna be Beyondce!