Most animals don’t like gore. But leeches are suckers for blood.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One fly cuts a fart. The other one says, “Hey! I’m eatin’ here!”

What is a baby’s favorite Fall Out Boy song? Thanks For The Mammaries

Cigarettes aren’t addicting Just look at me. I smoke all the time, and I’m not addicted.

What’s the difference between my dick and my paycheck? I don’t have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL. “Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today? Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.

Why are there more female than male archeologists? They always want to find a new bone.