I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can’t open my midnight snacks. It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.

Real men don’t cry…tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.

How long does it take an Ethiopian Women to take a shit? 9 Months.

If you don’t get my Harry Potter references, there is something siriusly ron with you

They say that the best airing time is 20:00… …but I think 19:59 is the real prime time.

ran outta bowls so i filled the cups of a bra with peanuts on one side, chips on the other then carried it to the couch. im 26, available

When someone says “I need this done yesterday” it’s like I’m not going to be bossed around by someone who doesn’t understand how time works

Why do people love their smartphones so much? Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.

I went to the zoo the other day… The only animal they had was a small dog. It was a shih tzu