Doctor says: “No sex for 6 weeks after birth.” Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow? Doctor: Me: Doctor: Please tell me you’re not the father.

I got mad at a rock today. I chopped it in half with my lightsaber. Now there are two rocks. Send help. Now.

In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then mom gave birth to me.

My friend tried to get me with bird puns today… I told him toucan play that game.

I wouldn’t say my butt plug the best sex toy… but it’s definitely up there.

Last night, Daredevil beat me up and took my money. I was robbed blind.

It’s all fun and games until you lose your wifi signal.

Dont drink and Derive Especially in Meth class

Me: Girls’ night in!!! Cat: I’m a cat. Me: You’re my best friend. Cat: I’m not even a girl cat. Me: So it’s like a date? Cat: Get help.

*sticks switchblade into bag of NES cartridges, licks tip of knife, nods to boss* It’s good.