Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

What do you call someone who sneezes doing cocaine? A snowblower

Is this InkJet any good? Sure, we’ve sold it to royalty Princesses? Mate, it prints ALL the letters!

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

One day I’ll cure deafness… You hear me!

(NSFW) What did the haddock get covered in at the fish orgy? SALMONal fluid

I farted on the bus today and four people turned around I felt like I was on The Voice

What does Sean Connery wear to avoid the paparazzi? His shunglasshesh

Did you guys see the new line of Tony Romo’s cologne? Every time you wear it, you fuck up and the other guy scores.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.