The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else’s birthday.

FB lesson number #1. If you don’t want people meddling in your business, stop posting it on your status.

did you hear about that kidnapping in Texas? He woke up.

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

What’s the difference between a brothel and a circus? Your mother never ran away to join the circus.

My thanks to Mexican Coke for sponsoring this week’s weirdly tight pants. “Mexican Coke: Porque tu pantalones deben ser dolorosos.”

Little girl: “Grandma, make a noise like a frog.” Grandma: “Why?” Little girl: “Cause daddy says we’ll make a lot of money when you croak.”

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

What’s the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets the point.

Two peanuts were walking through Central Park late at night. One was a salted.