When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

I was having sex with a woman last night and she kept screaming this other guys name. Who the hell is this “Rape” fellow, anyway?

Visiting grandma (nsfw) Mommy, mommy, I don’t want to visit grandma today! “Shut up and keep digging, boy.”

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_ – MILKMAN!! – No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Be alert! The world needs more lerts.

I just bought shoes from a drug dealer I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Oh yeah bro? That’s not what your mom said last night. I don’t think so, anyway. It was a long conversation. She sounds well. Lovely person.

Three stages of a man’s life . . . . . Want to stand up Want to stand up Want to stand up

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead [Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Why do they build fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in