I was going to tell a joke about sodium… But then I said “Na, I’ll do it later.”

What do you call a man standing up to his knees in water? Wade

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else’s

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going “Band? We thought you said ban” TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Your momma so fat… Her aides close lanes on the George Washington Bridge

Yeah, I guess you could say I “rescued” my dog. I did stop him right before he was gonna start his own podcast

What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five

I think a duck’s opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!