LISA GOPMAN: EATING DISORDER For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an eating disorder: reverse anorexia. It’s when I look in the mirror and think I’m really skinny.

Q: What did one candle say to the other candle? A: Are you going out tonight?

I’m getting tired of riding to work from New Jersey to Manhattan with my neighbors I guess I’m getting Carpool Tunnel syndrome

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

Ever hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he.

It was recently discovered that Pluto is not actually a dog.

Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

What sex position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

The definition of mixed emotions… My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car

Saudi Arabia… …is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.