My friend bought a choir girl zombie costume for Halloween. She put it on and said, “Am I menacing?” I said, “Of course, you’re a choir girl.”

what is the most confusing day in the ghetto? father’s day

Did some stand up at a bird sanctuary… They were eating out of the palm of my hands.

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team… I know that now.

“Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.”

If you’re in college, what do you do when your flatmate has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub? …throw in your dirty laundry.

What is the most affectionate type of chicken? The tender ones (Badum Tss)

My bathroom smells like somebody just took a shit when I walked out of it.

What do you call an aligator in a vest? investigator

Why do people dislike the new iPhone 7 so much? It can’t do jack shit.