What do you call a bearded gardener? Hairy Potter

Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I… Can’t…. Breathe…. Sincerely, your damn balls.

What’s the difference between a weasel and a stoat? One’s weasily recognised – the other’s stoatally different

*First Date* Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me. Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

[gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! “Thanks” Anytime, pumpkin! “You’re sweet” You’re one in vermillion!

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates : 1. Nice shirt 2. Wow, a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.

I just took the Bruce Lee of dumps. It fucked my ass all up.

What did the elephant say to the man? Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?

How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced? A Buccaneer.