A double-amputee walks into a bar Then he remembers he’s already legless and walks out again.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

LPT: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain,and that’s where shitty ideas come from.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’sTM

Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.

I heard this amazing joke the other day, made me laugh so hard. Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten it.

What Should I Do Today? Eat A Bomb?Nuke A Toaster?Ride Nyan Cat Into Space?Bomb ISIS?Oh Theres Just So Much You Can Do!

What do you call a slow hurricane? A slowicane.

Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz? Because the exit doors were coin operated.

I just got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer at the restaurant where I work She only got docked a week’s pay