I fucked up making my coffee today #nofilter

A man walks into a bar… His friends ducked.

What is that the more you desire, the less you can get? Beautiful girls.

What’s the difference between magic and black magic? Black magic doesn’t work.

Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…

dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like mcgonagall: so…a magic glass ceiling dumbledore: [starts sweating]

So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God… … Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

Putting the dog down today. Gonna start by telling him he has a big nose.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.