I’ve just been refused entry to the National Alzheimer’s conference. “Do you know who I am?” I shouted.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work. Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response. Training works both ways

How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children? You put a guitar in his hands.

Some people say I dream too much, I say it’s just because my life is better than their dreams are.

How many fat people does it take to get a subreddit banned? [This post has been banned for your protected – Ellen Pao] ^^^NINJAEDIT: ^^^Just ^^^one

My children annoy me so I’m leaving everything in my will to a nap I took in 2007.

What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk?

My ex-girlfriend once said “It’s either me or Twitter.” I wonder how she’s doing.

What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ? Sleep in the wardrobe !

You did yoga. You didn’t negotiate a peace treaty. Stop walking around like that.