Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.

Shoplifting or rape If you have sex with a prostitue and pay with a cheque that bounces is it shoplifting or rape?

What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke? Diet coke has better advertising.

Pinocchio When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood? when his hand caught fire!!

Cleaning the Attic Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Hey – get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

Why do people even like anal? It’s fucking shit.

What do you call an Irish man who won’t leave your porch? Paddy O’ furniture

Did you hear that they are building massive oscillating blades in New York? I wasn’t a big fan of the idea

Me: *to dog* what should I wear today bud? Dog: *pants*

[texting] WIFE: need to talk when u get home ME: about what WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home ME: *never goes home*