what’s worse than having a cold right before a job interview ? the holocaust

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says… “What’s with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?” The pirate says, “Argh!! I don’t know but it’s driving me testicles!!!”

Did u guys know u can smoke Newports on Delta flights

“we can put a man on the moon but ___________” (insert issue that is vastly different)

Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.

I love Alfredo sauce. Unless you’re a dude named Alfredo.

Happiness is like peeing in your pants …everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

Just bought some local farm-fresh free-range artisanal organic grass-fed hormone-free something or other that makes me better than you.

what type of shoes do artists wear? sketchers

I’m selling my Theremin…. I haven’t touched it in years.